Tips for a Stress-Free Separation

Separation is a common first step toward divorce in California. Like most states, California has laws allowing spouses to file for legal separation. Some choose legal separation because they wish to live separate lives while remaining legally married for religious reasons or to share health insurance and tax benefits. Others choose a legal separation in California to set a structure in place for child custody and asset division while they decide whether to divorce or reconcile. The most common separations aren’t long-term legal separations, but separation during the standard six-month waiting period between filing a divorce petition and the hearing.

Separating is a difficult decision and comes with painful emotions. There are ways to minimize the stress so you’re better able to think clearly and take positive steps toward the future.

Put Together a Strong Support System

During a separation, you’re discovering a new level of independence, or returning to the independence you had before your marriage; however, you shouldn’t feel you have to take on everything alone. Most contented divorced people—especially if they are parents—succeed because they put a strong support system in place.

During your separation, have a trusted friend or relative to confide in, seek professional counseling if needed, and line up backups for school pickup times and transportation to extra-curricular activities for your children if the need arises.

Separate Your Emotions From the Legal Aspects of Separation and Divorce

It’s difficult to navigate the legal aspects of a separation and impending divorce while you’re still emotionally vulnerable and possibly grieving the loss of a life companion—or you may feel anger instead of grief or you may feel both. It’s not always possible to turn off these strong emotions, but if you approach all meetings, negotiations, and the hearing as though the spouse is a business partner, it helps to maintain civility and keeps your head clear. When you focus on the transactional exchanges at these meetings as you would in the office, you’re basing hugely important, life-altering decisions on facts rather than emotion.

Don’t Make Drastic Changes or Big Decisions

Divorce involves a lot of necessary changes and critical decision-making. It’s helpful to table any other big decisions until after you’ve settled into your new life. Getting a tattoo or dramatic haircut might feel rebellious or like a fresh start, but you don’t want later regret to add to an already emotional state. Even worse, don’t quit a job and decide on a career change while you’re already dealing with a major life change—and one that demands full financial disclosures and an income upon which to base orders for child support and spousal maintenance payments.

Don’t Jump Into a New Relationship

Finally, now isn’t the time to begin a new serious relationship. This is a common regret expressed by separated or divorced spouses later. When you have raw emotions or feel unworthy or incapable of sustaining a relationship, it’s tempting to prove your desirability to yourself—and your spouse—by entering a new relationship. Unfortunately, your judgment may not be at its best during a turbulent time, and rebound relationships often end badly, compounding the negative emotions you’re already experiencing. Perhaps more importantly, a new serious relationship could impact a judge’s decision on child custody. The court will scrutinize your new romantic interest’s history and determine if being around that person regularly is in the best interests of your children during this sensitive time.