Separating is a difficult decision and comes with painful emotions. There are ways to minimize the stress so you’re better able to think clearly and take positive steps toward the future.

Put Together a Strong Support System

During a separation, you’re discovering a new level of independence, or returning to the independence you had before your marriage; however, you shouldn’t feel you have to take on everything alone. Most contented divorced people—especially if they are parents—succeed because they put a strong support system in place.

During your separation, have a trusted friend or relative to confide in, seek professional counseling if needed, and line up backups for school pickup times and transportation to extra-curricular activities for your children if the need arises.

Separate Your Emotions From the Legal Aspects of Separation and Divorce

It’s difficult to navigate the legal aspects of a separation and impending divorce while you’re still emotionally vulnerable and possibly grieving the loss of a life companion—or you may feel anger instead of grief or you may feel both. It’s not always possible to turn off these strong emotions, but if you approach all meetings, negotiations, and the hearing as though the spouse is a business partner, it helps to maintain civility and keeps your head clear. When you focus on the transactional exchanges at these meetings as you would in the office, you’re basing hugely important, life-altering decisions on facts rather than emotion.

Don’t Make Drastic Changes or Big Decisions

Divorce involves a lot of necessary changes and critical decision-making. It’s helpful to table any other big decisions until after you’ve settled into your new life. Getting a tattoo or dramatic haircut might feel rebellious or like a fresh start, but you don’t want later regret to add to an already emotional state. Even worse, don’t quit a job and decide on a career change while you’re already dealing with a major life change—and one that demands full financial disclosures and an income upon which to base orders for child support and spousal maintenance payments.

Don’t Jump Into a New Relationship

Finally, now isn’t the time to begin a new serious relationship. This is a common regret expressed by separated or divorced spouses later. When you have raw emotions or feel unworthy or incapable of sustaining a relationship, it’s tempting to prove your desirability to yourself—and your spouse—by entering a new relationship. Unfortunately, your judgment may not be at its best during a turbulent time, and rebound relationships often end badly, compounding the negative emotions you’re already experiencing. Perhaps more importantly, a new serious relationship could impact a judge’s decision on child custody. The court will scrutinize your new romantic interest’s history and determine if being around that person regularly is in the best interests of your children during this sensitive time.

Divorce is a stressful period in a person’s life, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. While a friendly parting of ways may not be completely realistic, it is possible to have a “good” divorce. if you follow some helpful guidance for taking some of the pain out of the process and replacing it with positive, purposeful action to move forward.

Choosing an Uncontested Divorce in California

California has a mandatory six-month waiting period for divorce beginning on the date the petitioner files. During this time, the court encourages spouses to avoid court by crafting an agreement to settle all divorce terms with the help of their attorneys. Sometimes a professional mediator also participates in the settlement process by offering neutral, creative solutions to challenging problems. A divorce settlement agreement in California must include the following divorce terms:

• The equal division of the spouses’ marital assets and debts, including property, assets, accounts, and valuables
• A child custody agreement with child support under California’s child support guidelines
• An agreement on spousal support (alimony) if appropriate under the circumstances of the marriage.

An uncontested divorce avoids court completely since the divorce attorneys for both spouses navigate the agreement and bring it to a judge to review and sign. Avoiding a court battle also avoids the hard feelings that otherwise cause years of resentment and noticeable tension.

Show a United Front to Children

The effects of divorce on children are usually at the forefront of any parent’s mind during the legal process. When a marriage ends, most spouses feel the other is at fault. It’s easy to allow resentment toward the other spouse with colorful language and actions in front of the children or when talking about the other parent to the children. Instead of allowing children to witness a parent’s negative emotions toward their other beloved parent through parental alienation, it’s essential to form a united front in front of the children, reassuring them that you’ll all remain a family after the divorce. Not only does this strategy help children feel more secure, but it also sets the tone for the divorce process and the years to follow.

When co-parents remain civil and prioritize their children’s needs, they’re far more likely to communicate and compromise effectively throughout their divorce and as they raise their children later as a family in two separate households.

Gather a Support System

Divorce is a physically and emotionally exhausting experience. It’s not the time to try to take on everything alone. Instead, gather support from your family and close friends through the process and as you move forward after the finalization. Discussing your feelings and the details of the process you’re experiencing with a trusted loved one not only makes you feel better but articulating the experience helps you to see it more clearly and make better decisions.

A good support system is also important after the divorce, especially if you have children. Arrange back-ups for your children’s after-school pickup and transportation to extracurricular activities in case you have scheduling conflicts or are running late.

Communicate and Compromise Effectively

As difficult as divorce may be, it doesn’t have to be a battle. When you and your spouse can overcome bitterness and compromise during the difficult aspects of divorce, such as deciding on child custody days and the division of marital assets, it sets a better tone for further communication in the future—which is unavoidable if you have children. A civil and mutually respectful relationship leaves everyone with a different sort of happily ever after than you planned, but it’s still a far more positive outlook for the future.

1. Emotional Disconnection

Arguing isn’t fun and it can be destructive to a marriage, but heated arguments signal strong emotions between a couple. If one or both spouses no longer have the energy or desire to fight for the relationship but instead feel completely disconnected from the other, it’s a strong sign that the marriage has devolved beyond repair.

Emotional disconnection may begin in subtle ways. For instance, where once you wanted to share every tidbit of news about your day with your spouse, you no longer have the urge to confide in them or share your thoughts. If you no longer look to your spouse for support or value their opinion—or even care to hear their opinion—it’s a strong sign that you’ve emotionally disconnected from each other.

Once the disconnection process is complete, it’s difficult or impossible to get it back. Even if you’re lucky enough to remain civil, the underlying connection that bound you together as a team is gone.

2. You Have No Sexual Interest in Your Partner

Intimacy is an essential part of a healthy marriage. Feeling and expressing sexual desire for your spouse as well as a desire to cuddle, sit close together, hold hands in public, and hug each other when feeling happy or sad, are all signs that you have an intimate connection with your spouse. If you’re lacking that connection, it’s likely that you’ve noticed it and you miss the feelings you once had. Your partner is sure to have noticed as well and may feel the same lack. When intimacy and sexual desire disappear from a marriage, the relationship no longer feels complete. It’s human nature to seek that connection which often leads to spouses looking elsewhere. It’s better to officially end the marriage before seeking a connection outside the marriage.

3. You or Your Spouse Have Feelings for Someone Else

Even in good marriages, it’s not uncommon for spouses to develop crushes on other people, but these are rarely serious, don’t last, don’t become physical, and typically don’t compare with the feelings they have for their spouse. If you find yourself developing deep feelings for someone outside of your marriage at the same time that you’ve lost the intimate connection and companionship with your spouse, it’s time to consider that the marriage may be over. Likewise, if your spouse has developed a relationship with someone else, it’s probably time for a divorce. Even if an extra-marital relationship hasn’t become physical, it’s a symptom of a deep problem with the marriage.

4. Your Spouse Has No Interest in Improving the Marriage

If you’ve been reading self-help books, researching marriage counseling, googling marital retreats, and second honeymoons, but your spouse refuses to engage in any of your attempts at reconnection, it could signal that they feel the marriage has ended and they just haven’t told you yet. They may have resolved to stay together only for the children, but in the long run this is often harder on children than a divorce.

5. You are In a Domestic Abuse Situation

Violence has no place in a marriage or family. If you’ve been the victim of physical violence, emotional abuse, constant verbal berating, or your spouse is abusive to your children, it’s time for a divorce. In fact, it’s probably past time. You shouldn’t ever have to live in fear or feel disrespected in your own home and you certainly shouldn’t ever have to worry that your spouse might hurt your children.

If you’re in a domestic abuse situation, speak to a San Francisco family law attorney about securing a temporary restraining order while you file for divorce.